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Watch Fc Porto Vs Arsenal Live Streaming Online Uefa Champions League

Watch FC Porto Vs Arsenal Live Streaming Online UEFA Champions League

Arsenal vs FC Porto, UEFA, Live Streaming, February 17, 2010, Rd 16, 1st Leg, Online, Videos, Champions League Live

Date: Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Kick Off: 19:45 GMT
Venue: Estadio do Dragao

FC Porto vs Arsenal, UEFA, Live Streaming, February 17, 2010, Rd 16, 1st Leg, Online, Videos, Champions League Live

Preview:

Arsenal takes on FC Porto in UEFA Champions League match on Wednesday, February 17, 2010 at Estadio do Dragao. Arsenal are looking forward to defeat FC Porto in the Champions League match on Wednesday to book a place in the next stage. But Arsenal will going to miss Andrey Arshavin for Wednesday’s match against FC Porto due to hamstring injury as picked the injury in last week’s 1-0 win over Liverpool.

FC Porto are strong enough  to face Arsenal on their home ground in the Champions League match and they are looking forward defeat them. FC Porto will be hoping to avoid a third successive home defeat by English opponents in the UEFA Champions League when they welcome familiar foes Arsenal FC to the Estadio do Dragao in the first knockout round.

Arsenal vs FC Porto, UEFA, Live Streaming, February 17, 2010, Rd 16, 1st Leg, Online, Videos, Champions League Live

=====================================
According to Arsene Wenger, the searing pain of Arsenal's defeat to Hull last weekend caused him to eject copious amounts of rich brown chunder long into Sunday morning. A sorry state of affairs and no mistake, but there is unlikely to be a similar Creosoteian explosion after tonight's game: Arsenal are on a 22-match unbeaten home run in the Champions League, while Porto's recent competitive record in England is even worse than England's.

Arsenal: Almunia, Sagna, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Walcott, Fabregas, Denilson, Nasri, Van Persie, Adebayor.
Subs: Fabianski, Vela, Ramsey, Silvestre, Djourou, Bendtner, Eboue.

FC Porto, and no I won't be making any tired Bill Bixby-related references this evening: Helton, Sapunaru, Bruno Alves, Rolando, Benitez, Guarin, Costa, Fernando, Raul Meireles, Rodriguez, Lopez.
Subs: Nuno, Pedro Emanuel, Stepanov, Lucho Gonzalez, Hulk, Lino, Candeias.

Full-time concert pianist who runs his own music school, 2007 Champions League final referee, and general all-round Renaissance man: Herbert Fandel (Germany)

Kick-off: 7.45pm in the local coin.

Zenit St Petersburg 1-2 Real Madrid: That game's already finished in Russia, a wonderful old-fashioned piece of end-to-end nonsense in the freezing cold. It should have finished 7-4. This is bound to be a terrible anti-climax, isn't it, though I suppose Arsenal will be semi-desperate for a victory, so you never know. "Arsene should have selected that bunch of Grange Hill fourth formers who demolished Sheffield United," writes Gary Naylor, possibly unaware that Grange Hill has itself been demolished by faceless BBC bureaucrats. "Those scallywags understood that you need to score goals to beat the opposition, even if they play for an unfashionable club - unlike pouting William Gallas and footballing genius Emmanuel Eboué on Saturday."

Analysis of the Arsenal team which I couldn't be bothered to do, so it's just as well Dave Mooney has emailed in, isn't it: "From the chunder-related link you posted: 'There will be changes certainly. I will see how many, but there will be changes." says Wenger.

"Line-up vs Hull: Almunia, Sagna, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Eboue, Fabregas, Denilson, Walcott, Adebayor, Van Persie.

"Line-up vs Porto: Almunia, Sagna, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Nasri, Fabregas, Denilson, Walcott, Adebayor, Van Persie.

"Changes in full: Eboue -> Nasri, which is a change AW would have made
even if Arsenal had beat Hull 9-0."

And we're off! Arsenal, who play the beautiful game AT ALL TIMES if you believe the slightly over-the-top nonsense that is spouted about them, hoof it upfield. HOOF! It goes straight to Helton, who returns the favour by pelting it straight up to Almunia.

2 min: OOYAH! OOF! Van Persie hammers the ball goalwards. It isn't the only orb he rattles, the football pinging into Fernando's swingers from close range, causing much clankage. You could feel that.

5 min: Fabregas and Denilson take turns within seconds to lose the ball near their own area. Porto make nothing of either chance, Lisandro being particularly wasteful with his opportunity to rip into the box, but that was sloppy from Arsenal.

7 min: Van Persie to Fabregas to Adebayor... the ball's shuttled beautifully across the front of the Porto area from left to right. Adebayor nudges it further right into space for Walcott, who shoots into the side netting. Lovely football, the beautiful game some would say.

10 min: Arsenal have started strongly here. Sagna and Walcott are causing a lot of bother down the right wing. The ball is lifted into the area, where Adebayor is lurking, causing Bruno Alves to slice wildly into the air. The ball's dealt with by Helton, but this is promising from Arsenal.

12 min: Wow, what a passage of play. Van Persie steams down the centre and sends a wonderful curling effort towards the bottom-left corner; Helton is forced to fingertip the effort round the post. From the corner, Porto pelt upfield on the break at top speed, a cross from the right being met by the head of the diving Keith Houche... hold on... Cristian Rodriguez, who crashes his more-than-decent effort down into the ground and up onto the crossbar.

17 min: Wonderful ball from Fabregas, who from the centre of the Porto half spots van Persie spin into space down the inside-right channel. The ball drops perfectly but the angle's tight; the striker slices his shot into the ground, his effort bouncing off the floor, over Helton and onto the top of the netting. "Media darlings Arsenal don't seem quite so popular amongst the hoi-polloi if tonight's 'crowd"'is anything to go by," writes Gary Naylor, who as you will see in a second or two is spoiling for a fight this evening. "With its own tube station, there's probably 10 million people within an hour's travel time of whom a mere 9,970,000 or so seem to prefer alternative attractions. Could it be that the price of tickets is a bit too high? For an early CL Group game, I'd say a fair price would be 30 or 40 (pence not pounds)."

19 min: Another fine ball from Fabregas down the inside-right channel, this time for Walcott, whose wild flay is bundled out for a corner.

20 min: PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS IN CORNER WASTE OF TIME SHOCK

22 min: Walcott and Fabregas are on the same wavelength tonight: for the third time in almost as many minutes, Fabregas slips a perfectly weighted ball down the inside-right etc and so on; sadly for Arsenal Walcott is marginally offside this time, so he can't shank a shot off a defender to win a corner which will be wasted.

25 min: Porto can't keep hold of the ball at all. This time Sagna pelts down the right and nearly breaks through, only for Bruno Alves to intercept. However he immediately gives it back to Denilson on the edge of the area. Nothing comes of the promising position, but it can surely only be a matter of time before Arsenal take the lead.

26 min: And of course having said that, it's Porto who twice in the space of 30 seconds look like going ahead. Lisandro takes a punt from 25 yards which Almunia does well to tip round his left-hand post; from the resulting corner, Lisandro and Bruno Alves are found free six yards out in acres. Almunia rushes out, the ball falling slightly behind Lisandro and giving the keeper the chance to put the striker off - just. Lisandro toe-pokes past Almunia but Clichy clears off the line easily enough. If Lisandro had left well alone, Bruno Alves would surely have put Porto one up.

31 min: GOAL!!! Arsenal 1-0 Porto

34 min: Sagna skitters down the right and sends over an up-and-under which the inrushing Denilson, 12 yards out, is this close from crashing into the net. Sapunaru ferries the ball clear. That would have been some goal.

38 min: A couple of corners for Porto, but, y'know.

39 min: Walcott is causing no end of havoc down the right. He gets to the byline and nearly stands the ball up for Adebayor in the centre, but the ball's blocked out for a corner. Nothing can come of this, surely...

39 min: GOAL!!! Arsenal 2-0 Porto. Oh alright, I already knew what had happened. Van Persie takes the corner from the right and Adebayor heads home. It's a strange sort of slow-motion goal, the ball being headed downwards, then up past the static Helton, down off the bar and into the net. Liverpool scored a very similar goal against Porto on their way to the 2001 Uefa Cup final. Do they always let in goals like this?

43 min: Porto look utterly shellshocked. Arsenal have been very impressive. Meanwhile it seems I was a wee bit too presumptuous on 38 minutes. "No, we don't know what happened to those corners that Porto won," writes Nathan Smith. "Given Arsenal's record at defending them this year, I assume that at least one of them is nestling in the back of the net. When will Wenger realise that a team of short-arses will always be vulnerable at set-plays (as Fulham and Hull have shown this season)."

Will you look at this! Borisov Automobile and Tractor Electrical Equipment were two up on two-time champions Juventus, though they've since been pegged back. I would say it will be worth watching the highlights programme on ITV tonight as a result, if I didn't know full well that they'll only show about 20 seconds of it after an interminable series of Manchester United post-match interviews.

Now playing on BBC Radio 3: Some "very morbid stuff", according to Tim Merrick. "It's the Birmingham SO playing a bit of Bartok. The Miraculous Mandarin, it says. Which sounds like a great name for a Chinese winger (or a chef's special)."

This has started again. Although let's face it, given how poor Porto were in the first half, it's already all over. There's a bit of hoofing and bad passing going on by both sides, nothing to write home about, nor indeed on a football website.

47 min: GOAL!!! Arsenal 3-0 Porto. Utterly abject defending by Bruno Alves here. Van Persie takes up the ball on the edge of the area, pokes the ball far too far past the defender, who should easily be able to turn, block the Arsenal striker, and clear. He doesn't though, opting instead to stand around gormlessly as van Persie swans past and pokes a shot into the bottom corner. Adding insult to injury, Helton should probably have got a stronger hand on that. This. Is. Over.

49 min: Walcott screams down the right, making Benitez look slightly less mobile and pacy than his namesake Rafa. A cross is stood up for Adebayor in the centre, but Sapunaru does well to chest the ball out on the left before any more danger can be done. Porto are appalling.

51 min: I have never seen a defence panic like this in major European competition. Meireles hacks clear twice when it would have been easier to leave the ball to Helton. Both times it's a pathetic waft to an Arsenal player waiting on the wing. They are an utter shambles.

53 min: And I've never seen a miss like this in major European competition. Porto are now letting Arsenal have the run of the entire pitch, barely putting in even the most cursory of challenges. Adebayor slaloms in from the left, gets to the byline, draws the keeper and two defenders, and cuts the ball back to Walcott, six yards out in front of a completely empty net. Somehow - how? - he shanks the ball wide left. That was unbelievable.

57 min: I've never seen a miss like this in major European competition pt II. Walcott makes Benitez look like he's got housebricks in his boots, which he possibly has, by tearing past him down the right at the most ludicrous speed. He can't get a shot in, though he is clear for a millisecond, but dinks a lovely ball over to Nasri in the centre. Nasri slices it wide right from six yards. This is just getting silly now, really very silly indeed.

60 min: Nasri has a dig from 30 yards. It's swerving, though Helton should be dealing with it easily. He doesn't, though, attempting instead to swat the ball away with his wrists, as though he was playing volleyball. Porto are a complete shambles here.

64 min: Meireles comes on for Hulk, causing ITV commentary duo Peter Drury and David Pleat to excitedly run through all the Bill Bixby related puns they prepared before the match. SHUT UP. Van Persie and Nasri are replaced by Bendtner and Eboue.

66 min: Fabregas takes a pop from the edge of the Porto area. Helton gives his bump, set, spike a try out again, spewing the ball to Adebayor, who really should do better from six yards than smack it straight back into the keeper's arms, allowing him to deflect the shot clear. Porto are currently a sick joke.

69 min: PENALTY FOR ARSENAL! WHICH IS SCORED! Arsenal 4-0 Porto. This is just getting ridiculous now. Guarin is standing behind Bendtner, who is static. There is no danger whatsoever, but a quick rush of blood later, and Bendtner's legs are swept from under him by Guarin. The most pointless challenge of all time? Very possibly. Adebayor strokes the ball into the bottom-right corner, while Helton rides around on his unicycle in the centre of the goal, pulling rabbits from his trousers and asking people to smell his funny flower.

73 min: Vela comes on for Walcott and is almost immediately into the action. Porto aren't making any effort whatsoever now, but you still have to run past cones, don't you, and that's what Vela does. Three of them he passes on a lovely jinking run, before giving the ball to Bendtner, who tries the same but falls over. "I thought it was a little bit harsh David Pleat describing Porto as having 'no charisma' anymore, because they look like a good bunch of lads," is the guardian.co.uk Pun Of The Day, brought to you by Dominic Fletcher.

75 min: Costa cuts inside from the left and takes a shot which flies wide right. Porto have been bloody awful, but it is important to say that Arsenal have been very, very impressive indeed. Beautiful football, all the time, you know I never doubted them.

77 min: Clichy has been booked, by the way. I know not what for.

79 min: Rodriguez is replaced by Candeias.

81 min: Arsenal are just running through some training routines now. A game of head tennis in the Porto area is followed by Denilson taking a whack from 30 yards.

83 min: Costa is booked for refusing to give the ball back to Arsenal, then throwing it away. This is now officially embarrassing.

86 min: Now nobody's bothering.

87 min: Bendtner suddenly springs to life, cutting inside from the right and drawing four Porto defenders. He dinks the ball past them all to release Adebayor - on a hat-trick - eight yards out. But he won't get the match ball, after dragging a poor shot wide left when it was easier to score.

89 min: Now Eboue misses a preposterously easy chance from six yards out, Arsenal's third in the match. Instead of sidefooting into an empty net, the keeper prone, he hammers the ball at Helton and it pinballs away from danger.

FULL TIME: Arsenal 4-0 Porto. He's not a fan of added time, this referee, though who can blame him after that one-sided show? Herbert Fandel, who probably wants to get back to his hotel room in time for Late Junction on Radio 3, blows up after roughly ten seconds of added time.

Although Porto were a risible joke, that was a very, very impressive performance from Arsenal, who deserve the Beautiful Game plaudits tonight, sure enough. However, there is no pleasing some people. "4-0 from HOW MANY chances?" splutters Toby Belson. "Not much improvement on Saturday in the grand scheme of things. Same old story." Now, whichever way you look at it, you have got to admire an attitude like that.

==================================================================
Pre-match waffle

With 10 points each from five games, a draw will see both Arsenal and FC Porto through to the knockout stages at CSKA Moscow's expense. But if the Russian side beat point-less Hamburg, then d-e-f-e-a-t for Arsenal or Porto would spell e-l-i-m-i-n-a-t-i-o-n. So with that in mind, I'll be keeping one eye on events in Germany, as I'm sure will both teams at the Estádio do Dragão.

It's difficult to predict how this match will pan out, but I think it's safe to assume that if the sides are level with 20 minutes to go, there's probably more chance of me going home to find a couple of Sky Sports newsreaders Di Stewart and Georgie Thompson waiting expectantly in my bed than there is of Arsenal or Porto producing a winner. "This is an unusual game because it's not normal when both teams can draw and still achieve their objectives," said Porto manager Jesualdo Ferreira, who clearly hasn't been following the travails of the England cricket team. "We know just how good Arsenal are - but then again, so are we. We will approach the match with the same will to win we show in every game."

For Porto, Paulo Assunção and Fucile return after sitting out Saturday's 2-0 win against Boavista FC in the Portuguese league, but must do without Tomislav 5okota, Pedro Emanuel and Anderson, who remain long-term absentees.

Arsenal must do without tantrum-throwing striker Thierry Henry (suspended), midfielder Tomás Rosický (hamstring) and William Gallas (I've no idea), not that it's bothering their manager . "The team is highly united, focused and determined to do well," droned Arsene Wenger. "This team has character, potential, quality and unity. We have lacked consistency in some games but we have young players who have to learn and who sometimes lose their confidence after just one setback."

The teams

Porto: 1-Helton; 12-Bosingwa, 3-Pepe, 14-Bruno Alves, 13-Jorge Fucile; 8-Luis Gonzalez (c), 18-Paulo Assuncao, 16-Raul Meireles; 9-Lisandro Lopez, 23-Helder Postiga, 7-Ricardo Quaresma

Arsenal: 1-Jens Lehmann; 27-Emmanuel Eboue, 5-Kolo Toure, 20-Johan Djourou, 22-Gael Clichy; 13-Alexandr Hleb, 8-Fredrik Ljungberg, 19-Gilberto Silva (c), 4-Francesc Fabregas, 16-Matthieu Flamini; 25-Emmanuel Adebayor

Referee: Markus Merk (Germany)

First email of the night

"I'm sure you'll be feeling pangs of longing for the bogs of Offaly when I tell you that Eamon Dunphy, while previewing the match you're not covering, has just called Alex Ferguson a 'bloody idiot, a liar and a disgrace' to a stunned silence," writes Niall Glynn.

Why?

"For having the temerity to accuse the media of conducting a conspiracy against Winkiano Ronaldo."

Pre-match niceties

The teams emerge and line up, with Arsenal wearing their Sheikh Mohammed racing colours of red with white sleeves (makes you wonder why he's buying Liverpool, eh?), while Porto are wearing Blackburn Rovers colours.

1 min: Porto kick off and are playing from right to left on my television. Arsenal soon win possession and the ball finds its way back to Jens Lehmann, who gets an early touch.

2 mins: From just inside his own half, Kolo Toure attempts to release Emmanuel Adebayor with a long bass through the middle. Offside.

3 mins: That should have read "long pass". Fish and rhythm guitars appear to be conspicuous by their absence from the Estádio do Dragão sward.

5 mins: FC Porto win a free-kick wide on the right, which is hoisted across the edge of the six-yard box and headed high over the bar. Jens Lehmann didn't get near it, but gives the referee a bollocking for not penalising several Porto players who jumped within a three-feet radius of him.

7 mins: Excessive fannying around at the back almost gets Arsenal in trouble. Eboue tries to square a pass but it's undercooked and Toure is forced to frantically hack clear with Lopez bearing down on the ball and Lehmann looking very small in the goal.

10 mins: Not much of note to report so far - Arsenal have five across the middle when they don't have the ball and are proving difficult for Porto to break down. Both teams are keeping possession well, probing and pressing without carving out anything in the way of scoring chances. Imagine a pair of dogs who don't know each other very well sniffing each other's backsides in the park and you'll have some idea of what these opening exchanges are like.

12 mins: Arsenal make another rod for their own back, when Alexandr Hleb needlessly gets caught in possession by Ricardo Quaresma. The Uruguayan sends in a cross, which Kolo Toure heads clear at the near post.

13 mins: "it's one thing feeling pre nerves before a game in England with a pint in hand, but sitting at work with a coffee is just not satisfying the soul. how about a 'shout' to the kiwi's downunder!" asks Tony Spellacey, who seems to have mistaken this football report for some sort of poptastic hospital radio request show. Tell you what, Tony - how about you try putting upper-case letters at the beginning of your sentences and I'll think about giving all you rugger-buggers a "shout".

16 mins: With the exception of ones that go down the right and the middle, em, many of Porto's attacks are being launched down the left, where Ricardo Quaresmo and Jorge Fucile are combining to devastating effect. The former looks a bit special and is causing Emmanuel Eboue all sorts of bother. Hats off to Luis Correia in Toronto, then, who sent in an email predicting "Porto vs Arsenal will end in a draw and Ricardo Quaresma will make more than a few Arsenal players look silly."

21 mins: "No doubt Adebayor carped about the 'bass' Toure sent his way in the second minute?" writes Tracy Mohr. If he did he had no right to, Tracy. He was the one standing in the wrong plaice, after all.

23 mins: For Porto, Helder Postiga tries a volley from distance but doesn't get much power behind it and shoots straight at Jens Lehmann.

24 mins: "Surely with their re-found superstardom, you could have found a more recent photo of Gary Barlow, rather than a circa 1993 archive version," writes Ben Fitzpatrick, among others. Meanwhile in Germany, CSKA Moscow have gone one goal up against Bah Hamburg, which means that defeat for either team here would result in elimination from the Champions League.

27 mins: Quaresma, who I'm reliably informed is not Uruguayan, but Portuguese, almost beats Jens Lehmann with a beautiful diagonal chip which he sents towards the top corner, prompting - I think - Gary McAllister on Sky to criticise him for showboating. Eh?

29 mins: Hamburg have equalised against CSKA Moscow, while must-draw-or-win Manchester United have gone a goal down against Benfica.

30 mins: Giving Emmanuel Eboue some much-needed respite, Ricardo Quaresma switches wings and torments Gael Clichy with a series of stepovers and pull-backs, before letting the ball run out of play. Frustrated, he then sends the corner flag flying with a vicious boot. Careful now! Somebody's mother has to clean that up.

33 mins: After half an hour, Arsenal are very much on the back foot here - they've barely troubled the Porto defence and haven't troubled goalkeeper Helton in the slightest. Postiga, Quaresma and Lopez, meanwhile, are running the Arsenal defence ragged and have had as many as 10 shots on goal.

35 mins: Clearly stung by my criticism, Arsenal have their first shot "on goal". Matthieu Flamini's scuffed effort is deflected about 10 yards wide for a corner, from which nothing comes.

39 mins: For Porto, Paolo Assuncao tries his luck from distance. Close, but no cigar - his surface to air screamer has Jens Lehmann beaten all ends up, but fizzes just over the bar. Great effort.

42 mins: After combining well with Cesc Fabregas down the right, Alexandr Hleb attempts to drive a low cross into the penalty area. It's blocked and he wins a corner, from which nothing comes.

44 mins: With Arsenal's defenders stroking it around the back, the referee brings the half to a close. On Sky, Marcus Buckland and Gary McAllister reckon that Arsene Wenger will be very pleased with what he saw in the first half. On the contrary, I'd say he'll be more than a little concerned. Meanwhile in Old Trafford, Manchester United have equalised against Benfica.

Half-time

46 mins: Arsenal get what I suspect may well be one of the longest, least exciting 45-minute periods of football off to a start. A draw will send both teams through to the knockout stages whether CSKA Moscow beat Hamburg or not.

47 mins: Brilliant play from Porto, who carve Arsenal's static defence open down the right, before Lisandro pulls a diagonal ball back to Quaresma. Thundering towards the edge of the Arsenal penalty area, he pulls the trigger and his low drive crashes off the foot of the upright and rebounds into play. Arsenal to clear. It was a great move which deserved a goal. Arsenal have been ridiculously cautious tonight and they're being punished for it. If they do lose this and exit the competition, they'll have nobody to blame but themselves. That said, I'm sure Arsene Wenger will find somebody else to blame; he always does.

49 mins: Not for the first time, Arsenal squander possession inside their own half. Porto cross from the right and Lehmann clashes with Lisandro upon coming out to collect it. It was an accidental collision over a 50-50 ball and the goalkeeper's grimacing with pain, but he'll live.

53 mins: Fredide Ljungberg gallops down the left wing, where full-back Bonsingua takes the ball off him, side-steps the Swede's attempt to win it back and clinically dispatches the ball up the field. Great defending - Arsenal are being comprehensively outplayed in pretty much every department tonight.

57 mins: Arsenal gift possession to Porto inside their own half again and Ricardo Quaresma turns - I think - Toure inside out on the edge of the penalty are and smashes another low drive across Jens Lehmann's bows and off the foot of the Arsenal upright. The ball rebounds into play and Helder Postiga shoots straight at Jens Lehmann.

59 mins: Arsenal remain on the ropes, with Porto pounding them senseless - surely it's only a matter of time before the knees buckle - if not in the game, then in this ill-advised boxing analogy that it's too late for me to back out of now. Having weathered another storm, they get the opportunity to ease the pressure by launching a rare sortie into Porto's half. It's wasted when Gael Clichy gifts possession back to Porto with a sloppy, misplaced pass.

63 mins: One of the many joys of writing these minute-by-minute reports is that if you give a factual account of a team playing badly, you're accused of being biased against that team. Exhibit A: this email from Sunasir Dutta: "I'm not sure why the Guardian bothers to put grumpy Arsenal-hating hacks to comment on Arsenal's most boring game ever - oh wait i get it!" I don't hate Arsenal - I have bigger fish to fry - and this game is far from boring.

67 mins: Emmanuel Adebayor gets on the end of a Kolo Toure cross and plants his header low and wide. He's promptly penalised for using Porto defender Bruno Alves as a stepladder. In Germany: Hamburg 1 - 2 CSKA Moscow. If either of Quaresma's shots against the post had gone in, Arsenal would be looking forward to a winter of Uefa Cup fun.

69 mins: Another joy of writing these minute-by-minute reports is the ccasional deranged monologues we get from readers who may or may not have been at the drinks cabinet. Exhibit B - this email from Christine P: "Does anyone look fluey? Is anyone warming up? What is their main problem? Or is Porto just bringing it to them? How are they losing possession? Bad passes? Porto pressure? You're my eyes, Barry... what did the dodgy old man say to Kevin Costner? They've taken my eyes, Robin, they've taken my eyes... oh wait. You lot like Braveheart, not Robin Hood, right?" Is it just me or does anyone else think Christine should be locked in a secure room making things out of wicker.

73 mins: I'm going to go out on a limb here and hazard a guest that Sky co-commentator Gary McAllister, who was an excellent player and who seems like a lovely man, asked somebody to tell him a bit about Porto before this match and that person said: "Keep an eye on Ricardo Quaresma - he's a showboater." The Porto No7 has been nothing short of outstanding this evening, but every time he gets the ball, McAllister starts criticising him for excessive fancy-dannery.

77 mins: Both sets of players appear to have decided that a 0-0 scoreline will do. The game's slowed down to a pedestrian pace and the ball is being gently passed around like a baby at a christening party. I'm sure it's all a big coincidence and that there's been no on-field collusion whatsoever ...

81 mins: Arsenal win a free-kick just outside the Porto box after Ljungberg is fouled. Fabregas's effort is low, off-target and fails to beat the first defender. Funny, that.

82 mins: Arsenal are contentedly nudging the ball around at the back - as many as 40 consecutive passes without actually moving forward an inch. Porto are happy to sit back and admire them. Meanwhile in Germany, Hamburg have just equalised against CSKA, rendering the next eight minutes even more redundant than they were already. On the sideline, Porto manager Jesualdo Ferreira tells his players to slow things down a bit. I'm not sure why - they're already stationary. There's also a load of substitutions I've missed, but it doesn't really matter.

83-89 mins: After you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. No, after you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. After you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. No, after you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. After you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. No, after you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. After you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. No, after you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. After you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. No, after you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. After you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. No, after you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. After you Porto. No, after you Arsenal. No, after you Porto. No, after you Arsenal.

90 mins: Peep! Peep! Peep! The match peters out seconds before my will to live does, while news comes in from Germany that Hamburg have beaten CSKA Moscow 3-2. Right, Arsenal top Group G, Porto finish second and I'm off - thanks for your time and your emails.

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